Home Opinion & Features Let’s market our ‘miracle cure’

Let’s market our ‘miracle cure’

51
SHARE

The sick and ailing people of the world should be queueing to benefit from the restorative powers of our courts.

I’ve never understood why South Africa’s tourist authorities have not made more of the miraculous healing powers of our legal system.

We should be rivalling the miracle cures of holy sites like Lourdes.

The sick and ailing people of the world should be queueing to benefit from the restorative powers of our courts.

Time and time again there have been well documented cases of terminally ill people being sent to prison, then being released to die with their families, only to regain their health and vitality and be filmed playing a vigorous and healthy round of golf.

The international pharmaceutical world should be studying these cases avidly. Somewhere in those stories there must be an undiscovered elixir of life. A fortune awaits the company that manages to isolate that miraculous healing factor and market it.

I suspect that our esteemed former state president may be hot on the trail of that miracle cure. Obviously, he can’t reveal how far his researchers have progressed.

If information like that was leaked it could disrupt the entire medical world.

He claims to be in Cuba to be treated for a mysterious illness, but we all know South African doctors are at the cutting edge of medical science. Hey, who did the first heart transplant?

If there’s a mysterious disease out there, we can handle it at home.

The trouble with the South African Miracle Cure is that it’s not a simple, straightforward process like replacing a damaged heart. All kinds of different disciplines are involved here. The first step will be to register medical doctors as judges.

Then, when a case of terminal illness is diagnosed, the judge will have to write a special prescription:

“One prison cell to be taken daily for a month until all symptoms vanish. After which therapeutic golf matches should be taken regularly to maintain the required level of wellness.”

A grateful world will soon be beating a path to our country’s courts.

Our former state president has taken the first step on the road to health. A prescription – or sorry, a warrant of arrest as it is now known – has been issued for him. I’m sure he will be on the golf course soon.

Inflamed

Those who are admitted to university are obviously of a certain standard of intelligence.

Unfortunately, I went to old- fashioned institutions of learning, so I can’t possibly understand how modern students feel they will improve their chances of getting an academic qualification by burning down their university buildings.

Life has simply become too complicated for us old farts to grasp the subtleties of modern education.

In the present circumstances I am content to remain ignorant.

Last Laugh

The lawyer was cross-examining the witness, who was a doctor.

“For a man in your profession, I assume you have a higher level of intelligence than most people,” he sneered.

“Thank you,” said the doctor. “I wish I could return the compliment.”