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Kidnapping common sense and bludgeoning logic


THE FUNHOUSE MIRROR COLUMN: Sol Plaatje Municipality finds itself facing criminal charges laid against it by the DA. Considering that our local municipality is often a mastermind of inefficiency, a syndicate of shenanigans and a kingpin of chaos, this writer wonders if more charges shouldn’t be added. Like what, you ask? Well …

“Bureaucratic Shenanigans (BS)” by MS Dabbler

By Monty Quill

SOL PLAATJE Municipality is a place where chaos often reigns supreme and today we ponder the riveting saga of the recent criminal charges laid against the local authority by the DA.

The party has accused the municipality of mismanaging funds while residents continue to experience water cuts and poor service delivery.

ALSO READ: DA lays criminal charges against Sol Municipality

Well, dear readers, our local municipality is certainly a masterclass in inefficiency – a symphony of incompetence conducted by maestros who’ve never met a deadline they couldn’t miss – and this ink-stained hack believes that more charges should be added to the charge sheet.

Like what, you ask? Well, for starters:

Kidnapping: Yes, you read that right. The municipality has allegedly kidnapped common sense and held it hostage in a filing cabinet labelled “Miscellaneous”. When asked about this, the mayor reportedly said, “Common sense? Oh, you mean that thing we lost during the last budget meeting? Yeah, it’s around here somewhere.”

Committing Grievous Bodily Harm to Logic: The municipality’s favourite pastime is playing Twister with logic. They twist and contort it until it resembles a koeksister dipped in absurdity. For instance, when questioned about the water crisis, they responded, “Water supply? Oh, that’s just a myth perpetuated by hydration enthusiasts.”

Grand Theft of Accountability: The mayor and council members have been caught red-handed stealing accountability from public meetings. Witnesses report seeing them stuffing it into oversized briefcases labelled “Denial” and “Blame Game”. When questioned, a councillor replied, “Accountability? Oh, that’s so last season.”

Pilfering of Public Patience: The municipality has a vault where they store stolen patience from frustrated citizens. It’s rumoured that they use it to power their bureaucratic machinery. When confronted, the Speaker chuckled, “Efficiency? Bah! It’s a relic of yesteryear.”

Conspiracy to Commit Sabotage: Allegedly, the municipality has a secret underground lair where they plot to sabotage everything from pothole repairs to street light maintenance. Rumour has it they even have a “Pothole Olympics”, where bureaucrats compete to see who can delay fixing a pothole the longest. Gold medal, anyone?

In conclusion, dear readers, Sol Plaatje Municipality is a place where incompetence thrives, logic takes a vacation and accountability is a mythical creature. As the DA seeks to “lay down the law”, we can only hope they bring a magnifying glass to find the municipality’s missing marbles.

* Disclaimer: This is a satirical column, where we blend reality with absurdity, sprinkle it with sarcasm and serve it up with a side of eye-rolling.

** The views expressed here are those of the columnist alone and do not necessarily reflect the views of the DFA.

“Kidnapping Common Sense and Bludgeoning Logic” by MS Dabbler
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