Residents are increasingly becoming concerned for their safety. But what can we do? To whom do we speak? Who is able to help us?
I RECENTLY heard a story about a man, one of questionable morals, who found himself before the pearly gates.
“Have you ever done anything of particular merit,” the attending angel asked as he scanned through the records for the man’s name.
“Well, I can think of one thing …” the man offered.
“Once I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen.
“So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, ‘Leave her alone now or you’ll answer to me!’ ”
The angel looked up from the records, “That’s pretty impressive. I don’t find that recorded though. When did this happen?”
“Just a couple of minutes ago,” the man replied.
Maybe it would have helped if the poor oke had learned to duck.
For my part, I had my reflexes tested to the extremes at around 3.45am on Wednesday morning. I was ducking and bobbing around like the great Nicolino Locche!
For those who don’t know him, Nicolino Locche, also affectionately known as ‘El Intocable’ (pronounced ‘El In-toe-kaa-blay) or ‘The Untouchable’ was an enigma. A boxer who despised cardio exertions, and who would rather smoke to keep his weight in check. His career was defined as an 18-year smoke break. In his prime, it’s estimated that he smoked around 50 cigarettes a day, often even taking a few puffs in his corner during a fight
El Intocable, according to the archives, was not much of a puncher. He had a reliable and accurate jab, a left hook that he used as his preferred offensive weapon and a straight right when he was close enough.
However, critics said that Locche’s most devastating punch could not crack an egg even if he had a running start. He was defined as “a natural-born slapper, with hands of sponge”.
But, to his credit, Locche was literally untouchable in the ring. Opponents, no matter how skilled, how quick-handed or however hard they tried could barely lay a glove on him. And it’s not as if he would dance around or run away – he didn’t have the lungs and stamina for that.
No, Locche would stand square on with his hands hanging by his side and duck, sway, lean and shift his weight, expending as little energy as possible, until his opponents used up all their vitality and aggression.
His most impressive fight, in my opinion, was when the Argentinian brawler fought for the junior welterweight title against Paul Takeshi Fuji in Japan. Fuji was a slugger. He had quick hands, threw his punches accurately and everything he hit, he broke. Some boxing enthusiasts even referred to Fuji as “the most devastating puncher in the weight division’s history”.
But, oddly enough, that worked to his disadvantage against Locche. Fuji, you see, made the mistake of always throwing every one of his punches as hard as was humanly possible. This strategy against a defensive genius like Locche was a mistake.
I watched the fight and it was pretty obvious that had Fuji connected with any one of the punches he threw, he would have knocked Locche into either jelly or dust.
It has to be said that watching the fight worked in my favour in the early hours of Wednesday morning as the vicious vampire bat darted around my room aiming for my jugular vein … seeing as he could not have my hair. And for 10 glorious minutes I was like my hero El Intocable.
Oh, if you were wondering, I managed to open the gauze screen to let the bat out. And as for Locche, he ducked, blocked and slapped his way to the title over an exhausted, crestfallen Takeshi Fuji within just nine of the scheduled 15 rounds.
Off the point a bit, but I wonder how crestfallen the young informal ‘car guard’ at a store in Beaconsfield would have felt had he followed through and slapped my father the other day.
My dad says that he had just popped down to buy a loaf of bread and as he alighted from his car, a pushy (informal) car guard almost demanded to be rewarded for “looking after” the car. My pop refused and the young hooligan stepped forward and motioned as if to slap the older man.
But my dad was never much of a flincher. I am pretty certain that had the young man followed through with that slap, he would have been jelly or dust right now. That is, assuming that his evasive skills are not in the same class as Nico Locche.
That’s all speculation, of course, but I do find it disheartening that stores these days have to employ guards to protect their customers from increasingly demanding ‘car guards’. The chaos is increasing and many are asking, where are we headed, and where is all this going to end?
These days, for instance, if you put your trash out too early on garbage day you run the risk of having the so-called ‘dirt-pickers’ going through the bags, leaving them open and strewing trash everywhere.
We have more and more vagrants loitering and wandering through suburbs and increasingly residents are becoming concerned for their safety. A few weeks ago we had a garden umbrella stolen out of our yard. This tells me that some vagrants wandered by, peeked over the wall, saw something they liked and hopped over and took it.
As a result, we no longer feel secure at home. The only thing we could do was agree that we wish the person who stole and the one who bought the umbrella (at a bargain price) off the street gets an enduring pain in their sphincters.
But seriously, residents are getting desperate. How do we protect property? After all, gated communities are not allowed – there is way too much red tape for that. But what other option is there for besieged residents? What do we do? To whom do we speak? Who is able to help us?
Do we just hunker down defensively behind closed gates and locked doors?
Has anyone else noticed the frustrations this brings about when couriers, delivery people and casual workers have to call from outside the properties to attract the attention of homeowners?
If nothing is done; if our leaders and protectors just turn a blind eye, we will be in the position that Justin McFarlane Beau seemed to be hinting at when he said: “Most are inclined to recline into a reclining position, in order to enjoy the decline.”
